I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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