Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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