guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
