Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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