He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
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took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
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Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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