I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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