How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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