Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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