Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
