Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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