When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
