I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
third nipple confirmed
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
