so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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