I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
