True but thats because hes a fetus.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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