I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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