Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
