Have you finally orgasmed yet?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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