I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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