my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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