I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
