Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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