ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
