im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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