actually, I'm a sock model
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize