I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
