Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
