Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
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