Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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