You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS