I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
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Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
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If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.