If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
