I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
