I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
