Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
