walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
