just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
