I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
and she was petting her beer can
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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