I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
