You made me cry and you don't even care
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
