what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
