I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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