The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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