And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
