The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
why is half of my head shaved?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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