My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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