Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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