note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
