I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
