she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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