I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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