look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
