I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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