And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
