Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Randomize
