would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
