I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
