Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize