i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
